Tag Archives: Tottenham

No Point Lane for Jose and his Conspiracy Campaign

Conspiracy TheoryIf Jose Mourinho’s in-match performance was his usual artful theater, his post-match turn had the whiff of a whodunit mystery with some B-movie conspiracy theory waffle thrown in for good measure.

Despite his side conceding five goals at White Hart Lane (one win in nine league games for Chelsea now at so-called Three Point Lane), Mourinho chose to focus on the non-award of a penalty for a handball by Jan Vertonghen in the first half as the main reason for his team’s collapse.

In the interviews I watched, Jose said

We had the biggest opportunity to score the second goal which is a shot from the penalty spot.

I honestly had no idea which incident he was referring to until I dug further in to online commentary. This was the straw that Mourinho was clinging to – a clearly accidental handball by a falling defender -ball-to-hand, as Jose himself would no doubt be quick to highlight should, say, Gary Cahill been the victim of the same circumstance.

Jose Complaining

Jose also bemoaned the “honest” Eden Hazard who fell to ground after a tackle from Federico Fazio on the edge of the Tottenham box.

He’s a very honest guy in the way he plays but that’s another problem.

Based on his sideline histrionics, Jose clearly saw this incident as a foul. Hazard? Not so much. He immediately got to his feet after the tackle with no appeal to the referee. The Chelsea manager admitted that Hazard confirmed it was not a foul.

So that is good, in spite the fact Mr Dowd was too slow to follow that ball. He was 40 yards away but made the right decision. The decision in the first half, he was 10m away he couldn’t make.

When confronted with the evidence that Gary Cahill had, unprovoked, kicked the prone Harry Kane in the back while on the ground, Mourinho’s response was one of pure deflection.

I didn’t see that. But it was like the back – not like Sterling in the face?

It continues the “conspiracy” narrative that Mourinho started in the last week, his not-so-subtle attempt to pressure officials in to giving his players the benefit of the doubt in future games.

Even when he’s not accusing the officials of cheating him and his team, he’s extremely ungracious in defeat.

I hate to lose, of course, but I prefer to lose like I did against Newcastle with a clean performance by (referee Martin) Atkinson, an unlucky performance by us, a lucky performance by Newcastle. But a game you lose because of football.

And there’s not really anything wrong with that outside of it just making you an arsehole.

Mourinho is a great manager. He’s proven that time and again. But is he a great manager because he’s an arsehole or a great manager who happens to be an arsehole?


The Tim Sherwood Story

“Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” crowed Tim Sherwood – for Timdays on end – in to the ear of chairman Daniel Levy, swapping the phrase “are we there yet” for “can I have the job”. Like any overworked parent, Daniel finally acquiesced, giving Tim the keys to the kingdom, keys he previously entrusted to a well-dressed Portuguese man with fluffy hair.

Daniel Levy“Now, Timothy,” he said sternly, peering over his fashion-friendly
glasses, “don’t fuck it up.”

As an ambitious tyke with full confidence in his own abilities, the 44-year old Tim immediately began stamping his own mark on the team, abandoning tactics and finding as many players as possible who the previous manager did not like.

“Hello, Ade? I’m going to put you in the team on Sunday. I Adebayorexpect a performance.”
“No problem, boss. You’ll get 100% from me. But no more than that, it should be noted.”
“That’s fine. Now you’re not going to score a couple in your first game and then disappear for the next three games, are you?”
“Noooo. No. Probably not.”

Tim was nothing if not wily. You don’t get to the position he was in without having full confidence in your abilities as well as saying and doing the right things at the right time. So with that in mind he immediately set about trying to win the fans over by doing opposite things to the previous bloke that they did not like.

“Right, lads,” he said to some lads who were nearby. “We’re going to shake things up a bit.”
“Great! The club needs some innovative ideas to get us out of this slump. What have you got in mind?”
“We’re going 4-4-2 with the emphasis on attack.” Eriksen
“That could work, Tim. This is great. How will Eriksen play in this 4-4-2? Will you play him wide like how Man City play their creative players sometimes?”
“No, in the center.”
“Ok…he’s not really got defensive qualities so you’ll probably play him with a solid defensive midfielder, yeah?”
“Well I thought Dembele given how he’s quite athletic and can run a lot.”
“Hmmm, well we’ll give you a pass on that one, barely. So, say he’s not available. Would you then put Capoue in?”
“Not at all. He’s not great at attacking. I only know one way to play. Attack. That’s the way to play the game. So I’d put Holtby in alongside Eriksen.”

With the players on board and the lack of tactics decided, Tim knew he had one more area to focus on – public relations. Although he had full confidence in his abilities, he knew he needed advice from a very smart manager. He flipped through his rolodex/contacts app and called up a very popular manager, a(n FA Cup) winner, a former Spurs hero, a man who had recently suffered relegation and won four out of his last twelve games.

“‘Ello ‘Arry.”
“Alright, mate! How’s it going? Heard about the gig. First smart decision Daniel has made since that time he allowed me to sign Ryan Nelsen and Louis Saha. Better off with those terrific, honest, top, top lads than your fancy dan Powlinos and Ceaușescus.”
“As you know ‘Arry I’m new to this. Can you give me a few tips on how to cope with the media?”
“Sure, sure. First of all, after a negative result, talk about how the lads gave you 100% – even Ade – and you couldn’t ask for anything more.  Then talk about the injuries. Throw in a “bare bones” reference and always have a list of unavailable players that you can rattle off. You can throw in a few extra names at the end like youth players or ‘Robbie’. No one’s going to try and figure out who you’re talking about.”
“Anything else?”
Arry in Car
“Make sure the electrics on your car are working good. You need to be able to roll the window down on 31st of January and talk about how there’s nothing doing out there and that you worked ever so hard to bring in players but ultimately clubs don’t want to let ’em go.”
“What about communicating the improvement I bring to the club?”
“Absolutely. Take whatever statistics you can and manipulate them in a bid to show how important you are to the club. For example, if you’re 8 points clear of the bottom three now but 12 points clear in three months, talk about how you’ve lifted the club away from the relegation zone. If you’re in eighth position now and no lower than that in May, you can tell everyone how Spurs were mid-table when you come in and you brought them in to contention. I’m not as stupid as I looks, Tim. Even though I can’t read very well and I writes like a child.”

Tim’s final stop was to see Franco Baldini, the man who became the new Damien Comolli, who was the new Frank Arnesen, who was the new David Pleat.

“Hello, Tim,” Baldini said, probably in an Italian accent.Baldini
“Don’t ‘hello, Tim’ me,” responded the indignant manager. “What we gonna do about all that tripe you bought in the summer?”
“Like who?”
“He’s good.”
“No he’s not. He’s good in Holland. And what about this Soldado chap? Bloody hell. He couldn’t hit a barndoor with a…ball”
“He’ll come good. He scored many times in the Spanish league,” insisted Franco.
“And Chiriches. It’s like a Ramon Vega tribute act,” Sherwood complained
“Anything else?”
“Lamela? He’s worth about a third of what Bale was.”
“Which is actually factually correct, Tim.”
“Look, all I’m saying is that these lads are no better than what we had.”
“And what do you propose?”
“We bring in Jamie Redknapp. As a coach.”


And with that, Tim sauntered down to the training pitch to work on no tactics.

Tromso victory fooling no one

An unconvincing victory over Norway’s Tromso on Thursday night did not even paper over the cracks for anyone but the most optimistic Tottenham supporters.

Spurs laboured to a 2-0 victory over a team to whom Shamrock Rovers would have given a good game.

While the Europa League has been a relative success for Tottenham – 7 wins out of 7 with 19 scored and 1 conceded – the standard of opposition has not been high. The most challenging opponents should have been Anzhi Makhachkala, but the club went in to financial meltdown prior to the start of the season selling 135 million euro of talent.

Back in the Premier League on Sunday, Tottenham take on a resurgent Manchester United, fresh off their biggest European away win since the 6-0 victory over the aforementioned Shamrock Rovers in 1957.

All the signs point to a very difficult afternoon for Andre Villas Boas’ struggling side.

Against Tromso there was a personnel shake-up but no tactical change.

The midfield of Mousa Dembélé and Étienne Capoue showed little adventure and Andros Townsend’s deteriorating form was further cause for concern.

Roberto Soldado continued to struggle, failing to record a single shot in the whole game. Soldado is only months removed from a free-scoring period in Spanish football. 81 goals in 141 appearances for Valencia was preceded by 33 strikes in 66 games for Getafe. At Tottenham, he looks like a player who just does not fit.

Vlad Chiriches scores and is in line for a start versus the Champions

Vlad Chiriches scores against Tromso and is in line for a start versus the Champions

In spite of all the new signings this summer, Gylfi Sigurdsson continues to be one of Spurs’ most reliable performances, operating tirelessly on the left wing. And Vlad Chiriches took the defensive plaudits for a solid performance alongside the ailing Michael Dawson.

What Spurs fans expect to see on Sunday is a solid defensive unit with overlapping full-backs exposing the space that the inverted wingers – which has been AVB’s tactic of choice for much of the season – open up for them. They also expect to see Paulinho, Sigurdsson and Townsend get in the box and get shots on target. It hasn’t happened for much of this season and if Spurs give a toothless and spineless performance akin to last weekends, then a second Manchester thumping is on the cards.

And that, I would think, would be the end of Andre Villas Boas…regardless of what a former manager says.


A lot of faith has been put in Andre Villas-Boas.  Perhaps a little unfortunate to miss out on the Champions League gravy train in May, this season he was given a squad that is probably title-challenging quality but has the … Continue reading

Fantastic players versus the idiocy of the internet

Gareth Bale.  He’s very good you know.  He’s so good that one of the richest clubs in the world want to buy him for a world record fee.  Gareth Bale

It’s funny that for the longest time, football fans across England scoffed at the illustration of Bale as a superstar with charges of him being overrated and not all that.  As last season unfolded and he continued his fine form – even improving under AVB – they reached for another weapon: his penchant for diving.  They did the same thing to Cristiano Ronaldo: a one-trick pony, show-boater, diver, whiner, fancy-dan, nancy-boy, only scores so many goals because he takes all the free-kicks (yes, really).  I had the same reaction to Ronaldo myself when, truth be told, I would have loved to have him at my club.

It seems that to be a player held in esteem by fans of other clubs, you must perform very well all the time.  I’ve heard Man United and Liverpool fans and  fans talk about the time they played Spurs and Gareth Bale was in the pocket of Rafael or Glen Johnson, which completely shot down this theory that Bale was any good.  And did you know that Bale’s great performance in Milan in 2010 was only because he was up against the over-the-hill Maicon?  I’m guilty too – I talk about the time Cristiano got played off the park by Benoit Assou-Ekotto.  Yeah, that really damaged his market value and ability to score more than a goal per game at Madrid, didn’t it?

Yes, there is much idiocy out there.  We call it “trolling” but it’s really bullshit.  If you can’t see the absolute class from players like Ronaldo or Bale or Suarez then you’re not really worth debating.  I can question the value of Christian Benteke because he’s really only had a season to show it at the top level. Perhaps he’s brilliant.  But perhaps he’s another Benjani or Andy Carroll.

But when the likes of Bale perform extremely well for three seasons and show a considerable array of talents (skill, pace, goal-scoring, intelligent runs, heading, crossing) you cannot question his ability with a straight face.

Bale isn’t as good as Messi or Ronaldo. I’m not sure anyone is suggesting he is. But he’s one of the top ten to fifteen players in the world and I don’t think there would be too many credible people arguing with that assertion.

On that basis, he’s worth £80m.  In fact, he’s pretty much invaluable to Spurs because, even with all that money in the bank, they are not going to replace him.  There’s no one as good as Bale who will score over 20 goals from midfield next season, that is going to join a team in the Europa League.

Bale will be a big loss to Spurs if that’s how this media-driven saga plays out.  And one way or the other, as soon as he has a few poor games we’ll no doubt hear about how rubbish he is.

Newcastle performance is early setback for AVB

Spurs carried on much in the vein of how they ended last season – with a whimper.

An opening day defeat at St James’ Sports Direct Park might not seem particularly newsworthy but for new boss Andre Villas-Boas it represented something of a setback.

Much is made of Villas-Boas’ tactical nuances – the defensive high line, pressing in the opposition half, the 4-3-3 formation – and some of that approach was evident.  But, on the evidence of today, the Tottenham squad don’t look like they’ve fully come to terms with the new managers’ methods.

Not that it’s a surprise – it’s only been one pre-season and Villas-Boas is a very different beast to former manager Harry Redknapp.

Spurs lined up somewhat as expected with a loose 4-3-3 formation, Gareth Bale and Aaron Lennon flanking lone-striker Jermain Defoe with two holding midfielders in Jake Livermore and Sandro behind them and attacking midfielder Gylfi Sigurdsson in between.  The back four sitting in front of goalkeeper Brad Friedel saw a surprise inclusion for William Gallas alongside Younes Kaboul in the center of defence, with Kyle Walker and Benoit Assou-Ekotto either side.

In the first half Spurs hit the post and bar through Defoe and Bale, while Demba Ba saw a deflected shot trickle past Friedel’s right hand post.  Spurs were just about edging it but it was a low-key affair until Ba’s brilliant 55th minute opener curled past Friedel.  Spurs leveled with a scrambled effort from Defoe after 76 minutes but, 10 minutes from time, substitute Rafael van der Vaart and Lennon clumsily brought down Hatem Ben Arfa in the box.  The French midfielder picked himself up and scored the winner from the spot.

The most disappointing thing was that Spurs seemed disjointed and a little unsure of themselves.  The strategy was something we saw at times under Harry Redknapp with Bale and Lennon coming inside in support of the forward and the full backs – notably Kyle Walker – performing as auxiliary wide midfielders.  But the performance was flat and there was a lack of character and leadership – qualities that you’d probably associate with injured midfielder Scott Parker and retired defender Ledley King.

There were chances created early on but the second half was very disappointing with little available on the bench to change the flow of the game.  The fading Sigurdsson was replaced by van der Vaart and Harry Kane replaced Sandro late on. When Harry Kane – a young, limited forward who I’m pretty sure is not long for the Premier League world – is your plan B, there’s clearly a need for some fresh faces.

No doubt Daniel Levy is trying to get the best deal for the club but his brinkmanship in transfer negotiations could cost Tottenham points, much like it arguably did last season.

On today’s evidence there is much work to do.

The Premier League Season Prediction Extravaganza – Part 4: The European Contenders

Continuation from Part 1Part 2 and Part 3.

8 Tottenham
Ooh, it’s not going to be pretty this year. Tottenham are doomed! At least that’s what I’m reading. Spurs sacked the manager who had brought them their most success in 50 years, hired a manager who lasted a wet weekend in west London, sold all their strikers apart from the “diminutive” Jermaine Defoe, sent inspirational kneeless miracle Ledley King to the knackers yard and refuse to sell a mop-headed Croatian “schemer” who would rather spend weekends in the stands with David Bentley and Jermain Jenas (please!) than give Daniel Levy another 90 minutes of half-arsed inventiveness. If you’re a Spurs fan at the moment you’re either apathetic or apoplectic (you can’t be both – it’s a biological impossibility). Levy will probably make a couple of panic signings at four minutes to closing that will make Oyvind Leonhardsen and Roman Pavlyuchenko look like wily business. But when all is taken in to account this could be an almighty mess in N17.

7 Newcastle United
I think everyone is waiting for the Alan Pardew rehabilitation to fall apart and for him to return to the joke status that saw him kicked out of West Ham, Charlton and Southampton. Actually his record at Southampton was quite good and it was reportedly internal conflicts that led to his dismissal. Regardless of his perceived abilities you can’t deny that Pardew has played his part in turning Newcastle in to a relatively good Premier League side. He’s not spent a lot of money and the likes of Hatem Ben Arfa, Papiss Cisse, Demba Ba, Cheick Tiote and Yohan Cabaye have proven to be excellent Premier League players. Jonás Gutiérrez and Fabricio Coloccini have also turned their careers around under Pardew although he has not repeated the same trick with Xisco. Yes, he’s still there. Newcastle will do well this season although they are more likely to hover between 6th and 10th.

6 Everton

Small squad and all that Everton have, they have (so far) managed to hold on to key players. Yes, Jack Rodwell has left but bagging 15 million pounds for a player who wasn’t always in the team is not bad business and Tim Cahill’s powers were waning so it was a good time for him to move on. Replacing Tim Cahill is former Rangers midfielder Steven Naismith who joins former Ibrox man Nikica Jelavic – and scorer of 9 goals in 13 games last season – at the club. Keeping Phil Jagielka, Leighton Baines and Marouane Fellaini were positives too and if they stay relatively clear of injury, this is one of the most impressive teams outside of the top four.

5 Chelsea
Most of what I’m reading from Chelsea fans online is that everything is going to be fine once the season starts and we (people who are not Chelsea fans) should not worry. Well obviously we’re not worried but you know how condescension works. Maybe Chelsea fans should feel a little insecure about their position this year though. Roberto Di Matteo doesn’t have the glamour that Abramovich wants and if Pep Guardiola agreed to become Chelsea manager next month, Di Matteo would be gone. There’s an unconvincing air about the Italian in spite of the trophies and the respectable win percentage. Aside from that, there are questions to be asked about the recruitment policy. The back four needed some investment but 60 million pounds was spent on the attacking midfield trio of Marko Marin, Eden Hazard and Oscar instead. With Juan Mata, Ramires and (some would argue) Frank Lampard deserving of places in the first XI, you have to wonder how Di Matteo can keep all these midfielders happy. And with only Torres and Daniel Sturridge as out-and-out strikers, is Abramovich – sorry I meant Di Matteo – looking to mimic Spain’s 4-6-0 formation? And what happens to Essien, Mikel, Malouda, Merieles, Sturridge, Benayoun and whoever else is omitted regularly? It just seems bloated and out of control at Chelsea right now and that’s why I wonder if the project might blow up in their face a little.

Part 5 to be posted later tonight.