Here we go again

Well, it’s time again – the Premiership has kicked off and it’s time for me to tell you how it’s all going to end. I didn’t actually distinguish myself with last seasons predictions. I did get Spurs top scorer right (Iversen – actual goals 16, predicted 11) and I was one out on the old league position, predicting 9th rather than the moderate 10th that George’s barmy army finished in.

Well now it’s time for my seasonal predictions again…pray silence…

Spurs 2000/20001

August

5 points from the opening games against Ipswich, Newcastle and Middlesboro is fairly acceptable. Walker is not happy as he sits on the bench for all three games before finally telling the News of the World that he feels used and abused by Tottenham after giving him his best years. Everyone sniggers quite a bit. Steffen Freund starts on the bench in all three games, playing a combined total of 12 minutes over three games and collecting 3 yellow cards. Sol Campbell claims that he loves Tottenham and that he is Spurs through and through. He may discuss a new contract next month.

September

A great month for Spurs with home victories over Man City, Everton and West Ham. Defeat away at Leeds and Charlton is a bit of a blow and the crowd get on Georgie’s back. Walker is still bitching and is seen scribbling anti-Sullivan graffiti on the home team toilet walls at White Hart Lane. He spells ‘Sullivan’ wrong. And the word ‘sh*t’. Sol again declares that he is happy at Spurs but isn’t quite ready to discuss a new contract. Poor mite. Sergei Rebrov is a big success but has yet to score. He has got 19 goal line defensive clearances to his name though, as George maybe plays him a bit too deep. Freund picks up another 5 yellows in 17 minutes and is suspended for the month of October.

October

A poor month for Spurs as a home victory over Derby is their only saving grace. Predictable defeat at bogey teams Chelsea and Coventry surprise no one. Carling Opta release some interesting stats on the Spurs team this season. Steve Carr covers more than 1200 miles of grass in 11 games so far this season. Rebrov spends 93% of the games in the defensive half of the pitch. Walker has picked 80lbs of splinters off the bench. Freund has touched the ball 24 times committing 24 fouls. Sol says that he is concerned about the clubs away form but he trusts George to get it right, and it will have no bearing on his decision to sign a new contract. Darren Anderton reminds everyone that he too can walk away for free next summer, but no one really cares.

November

Steffen Freund returns to the squad but doesn’t get on the pitch in November. Remarkably he is booked for having a ‘splinter fight’ with Ian Walker which results in Jose Dominguez getting slivers in his hair and storming out of the ground. On the pitch, there are excellent victories against Sunderland, Leicester and Liverpool. The only let down is an away defeat at Aston Villa with a certain French winger flipping the bird at all the Spurs players whenever he can. He’s subbed after 65 minutes and Julian Joachim gets a scrappy winner on 89 minutes. Willem Korsten turns out for the reserves and hopes are high that he is on his way back to his best form. Meanwhile Sol is delighted with the recent form which pushes Spurs up into the top six. He’s not too sure about a new contract yet but the chances are that he might sign it, seeing as how he loves Tottenham. We get the idea.

December

Little Christmas cheer around White Hart Lane as a memorable home victory over Arsenal cannot make up for defeats at Man U, Bradford, Ipswich and Southampton. The game against Middlesboro finishes in a thrilling 3-3 draw with all Sergei Rebrov finally scoring his first goals for Spurs. Neil Sullivan picks up an injury against Ispwich and is doubtful for the new year game against Newcastle. In an interview with the News of the World, Walker tells everyone that he loves Tottenham and he’s never entertained thoughts of leaving. Ever. A small paragraph at the bottom of the interview claims that Sol Campbell will sign a new 6 year deal with Spurs worth 50k a week. Oh, and Freund picks up three yellow cards – another ban is imminent.

January 2001

The new year arrives and Eileen Drewry gets Neil Sullivan fit for the Newcastle game! Unfortunately she can’t work miracles with Willem Korsten who is injured again. Ian Walker denies reports that he has taking up embroidery in an attempt to create a Neil Sullivan voodoo doll. Newcastle and Southampton fall victims to White Hart Lane goalfests as Rebrov and Iversen go mad, scoring a goal each. Not such good news away from home as Paul Gascoigne runs riot in a 4-0 win for Everton and John Moncur puts on the performance of his life in West Ham’s 3-0 win over Spurs. Other former players who perform well this month include Ray Clemence, who wins thirty quid in a club card game; Jason Dozzell, who leads DC United to victory in MLS while playing Championship Manager, and Pat Van Den Hauwe who replaces Martin Kemp as Bepe’s new business partner in Eastenders.

February

Just three games in February, and Spurs maintain their top six spot with wins at White Hart Lane over Charlton and Leeds. Defeat in front of 30,000 rabid fans at Maine Rd is a mere hiccup. George Graham suggests that he may dip into the transfer market before deadline day with the papers linking Spurs to the cream of international talent – Uganda defender Tenywa Bonseu, Yemen winger Khaled Afara and “a bloke what was on Eurosport last night”. A fist fight reportedly breaks out between rival goalkeepers Sullivan and Walker. Immediately after the fisticuffs, Walker receives necessary medical attention – the application of brylcreme to his damaged scalp. Darren Anderton is brought to task after running up a four hundred pound phone bill while faxing clubs around the world to notify them of his availability on a Bosman.

March

A tough month for Spurs as they gun for that European spot. There’s pressure on the manager as Sol Campbell is seen walking around White Hart Lane with a piece of paper containing a Manchester United letterhead. It seems to affect the performances on the pitch as the only points picked up are at home to Coventry. Spurs lose on their travels to Arsenal and Derby. Steffen Freund returns to the pitch after a two month ban for a combination of yellow cards and throwing splinters at Jose Dominguez. Hollywood bosses like the story and immediately begin filming “The Splinter Incident”. Walker is played by Leonardo DiCaprio, Freund by Ralph Fiennes and Dominguez by Tony Danza. Richard Branson denies reports that he has a cameo as Alan Sugar.

April

The games come thick and fast – Bradford, Chelsea and Villa fall at White Hart Lane, while Sunderland and Liverpool beat Spurs on their travels. It’s enough to keep Spurs in sixth spot. In an attempt to get noticed, Darren Anderton shaves his head but looks incredibly ridiculous. After complaints by everyone in the whole world, George subs Anderton and books him into a hair replacement clinic. Ian Walker begins to behave very strangely. He comes to training dressed in bin liners and flip flops, calls everyone Sandra and ends every sentence with the word “plop”. Bad news for “The Splinter Incident” as Tony Danza has to pull out due to being double booked. He is due to play an Italian defender in the movie version of “Euro 2000”. A replacement is being lined up.

May

Defeat at Leicester means that Spurs dreams of playing in Europe are over. However there is all to play for in the final game at home to Manchester United. A Spurs win will mean that Arsenal will take the title to Highbury. A motivated George Graham says that his club will give it all and indeed they do – a 5-0 win over the Red Devils sends the Spurs fans into despair. George is seen the next day on an open top bus in Islington. Sol Campbell joins Graham on the bus as he reveals that he has signed for the new league champions. But it’s not all bad news. “The Splinter Incident” opens all over London and becomes the most successful movie of all time. About splinters. Ralph “Karate Kid” Macchio is favourite for the best supporting actor Oscar for his portrayal of splinter-victim, Jose Dominguez.

June

Spurs fans just get depressed. What’s new.