TEVEZTUBBY IS A BIT OF A DIPSY
No one likes footballers, that’s for sure.  Bling, roastings, tinted windows – the list of reasons to loathe our heroes goes on and on.  But Carlos TevezTubby has thrown this perception on its head.  The man, who has been linked away from West Ham since the day he signed for them, has made a promise…

“Through my backers, I have given my word to Mr Ferguson. They have told him I will be at Manchester United next season and once I make a promise I don’t go back on it,” he said, ignoring the fact that a contract is a form of promise.

Meanwhile West Ham fans might be forgiven for feeling somewhat puzzled that the player is not directing his undivided loyalty to the management, fans and club a who pay his wages.

Realising that perhaps tens of thousands of local ‘Ammers may not be too enamoured (en-‘Ammered?) with his behaviour, he quickly rationalised how unreasonable such people would be: “I hope the fans understand. I had two very good offers from foreign clubs in January but I refused because I had unfinished business.  It would have been easy to move on, but I couldn’t leave the club and the fans in that predicament.”

Indeed Chubbs has shown an extreme level of loyalty when rumours of moves to Real Madrid (“I would like to play at Real Madrid”) and Inter (“There is a possibility that I will wear the Nerazzurri colours next season”) have surfaced.

“It will be an emotional and special day whenever I return to play them,” he said of West Ham while Paul Ince chuckled in the background.

BELLEND MAKES IT SEVEN-IN-SEVEN
Speaking of unlikeable footballers, Craig Bellamy and Nigel Reo-Coker have conned two mid-table sides in to shelling out for their high-on-ego, low-on-class talents.  Despite only nine goals in a disappointing season, Bellamy’s market value increased in the last twelve months while Reo-Coker sulked around the West Ham midfield with all the presence of a player who started to believe his own hype.

“I do believe I was made a scapegoat. If people are saying I’ve been obnoxious, arrogant, I do feel I’ve been hung out to dry,” he blubbed after his £7.5m move.  “I’m very focused in my ambitions. I know what I want to do,” he continued, unwittingly reminding us all of how he pouted last season after being denied a move to a top-four club.

Bellamy, who will play for his seventh club in seven years, has now accumulated transfer fees totalling £31m making John Hartson seem like a bargain.  However West Ham deny that the deal is finalised.

“The deal has been delayed due to a private contractual issue between Craig Bellamy and Liverpool,” a West Ham source said, indicating that Bellamy, already a multi-millionaire is looking for one of those loyalty bonuses for doing nothing other than packing a suitcase.  At least Reo-Coker had the decency to forego the half-mil he was due for the same task.

CARRA NO FAN OF DISNEYLAND

You do have to feel somewhat sorry for Jamie “Carra” Carragher.  Carra – the Steve Bruce of Scouseland (i.e. he’s not really that good but somehow manages to play well all the time) – has struggled to get a game for England over the last decade due to an absence of Disney cartoon characters in the England squad.

“There are a number of reasons why I’ve been thinking about this,” he said to a local hack who had last nights kebab running down his shirt.  “Given my form for Liverpool, I genuinely thought [playing] was possible, but over the last 12 months players like Jonathan Woodgate and Ledley King have played there ahead of me. I can’t really argue with that because they’re top drawer players. It’s not as if they’re Mickey Mouse defenders.”

As Mickey Mouse stomped his feet indignantly, allowing Pluto and Donald Duck to play a neat one-two around him, Carra continued to bore with his rationale.  “It was particularly disappointing for me when Rio was out against Estonia and I wasn’t picked.  Like any player I thought I deserved to play, but not doing so made the situation crystal clear to me.”

Some players just aren’t England material and Carra – like Bruce before him – doesn’t have the athletic build that preferred international central defenders seem to.  Mind you with Richard Dunne and Paul McShane starring for Ireland, perhaps he should have done some research on his Irish roots a decade ago.  Begorrah!

+++ TIGHT SHORTS +++
To avoid the sack at Real Madrid, new coach Bernd Schuster will have to better the sacked Fabio Capello’s record of two league titles in two seasons.

Roy Keane must have grimaced particularly threatningly at George Burley as the Southampton manager has accepted his £3m offer for Chris Baird months after turning down Fulham’s “derisory” offer of £2.5m.

Nicolas Anekla claims he won’t be continuing his vagabond professional career by agreeing to stay at Bolton for another year.  Arsenal obviously weren’t interested then.

Chelsea might be signing up Florent Malouda but Arjen Robben still fancies the Spanishness of Real Madrid.

Steve McClaren will try to convince Jamie “Carra” Carragher that 3 minutes at left back away to Armenia is well worth the four hour flight.

+++ TWAT OF THE DAY +++
“There is no agreement with West Ham United for Carlos Tevez to leave the club and we expect him to return in time for next season’s preparations.  No decision on his future can be reached without the agreement of West Ham United.”  West Ham owner Eggert Magnusson still thinks that physically tearing up a contract is akin to mutually cancelling it.  Tevez’ “owner” Kia Joorabchain tends to disagree.  Head in the sand, Eggert?