I never make predictions, and I never will

Year 2000 and beyond

As we move towards the new millenium, many have predicted a bleak future. Tales of death and destruction are rife from bible prophecies, to Nostradamus’ little ditties. Well it’s all poppycock. I now exclusively reveal the future as it will unfold during the next 12 months or so. That’s right, it’s time to predict the fortunes of the 20 teams in this years Premiership.

Spurs – league predictions 1999/2000

League Position:

9th
Points: 50
Goals scored: 44
Goals conceeded: 49
Top league scorer: Steffen Iversen (11)

Spurs – Worthington Cup

4th Round – beaten by first division opposition on a rain soaked night.

Spurs – FA CUP

Semi-finals – Manure take us apart at Villa Park with Ginola carried off injured after 22 seconds.

Spurs – UEFA CUP

A narrow 2-1 aggregate win in the qualifying round over some team no one has heard of (the ones that you send a reserve team out to play in Championship Manager 3) is followed closely by a 4-0 aggregate defeat by a Belgian team in the first round proper.

Spurs – Transfers

In: Two unheard of Scandinavians and a lower division wonderkid who struggles.  Oyvind Leonhardsen, Franz Carr and Tommy Tynan fail to agree personal terms.

Out: Darren Anderton (5m to Manure), Espen Baardsen (on loan to Norway), Ruel Fox (500k to Huddersfield).

Spurs – Performances

Anderton plays pants for 2 months and is then sold citing his ‘disappointment’ but looking forward to following in Teddy’s footsteps and being a Manure reserve.

Ginola shows glimpses of magic but overall is contained by strong defences. His best performance comes in the 2-0 home win over Chester City in the Worthington Cup 2nd Round.  He scores 2 goals all season and is fouled 2,071 times.

Freund, Tarrico and Sherwood are sent off 5 times between them.  Sherwood does a ‘wanker’ salute to Vieria as he gets his marching orders during the 1-1 home draw with the Arse.

Elsewhere, Ferdinand and Armstrong manage a total of 20 games and score 4 goals combined.

It’s all happening in the reserves.  Peter Crouch grows another foot and concusses himself on the crossbar.  He does however score 43 goals with Neale Fenn using the target man to notch 32 goals.  Neither are selected in a first team squad.

Spurs – former players

Rory Allen achieves cult status as he reaches double figures for Portsmouth.  The 1m pound man is interviewed on Sky and says that Spurs never gave him a chance to prove himself and lifts the lid on dissatisfaction with George Graham in the reserves.

Paul ‘Sparrow’ Moran enters management for the first time and attempts to sign former team-mate Paul Gascoigne.  The 17 stone Middlesbrough midfielder says that playing for Yeovil is everyone’s dream but there are not enough pubs in the area.

Ossie Ardiles makes his return to British management in November when he takes over the reigns at troubled Aberdeen.  His first three signings are Jason Dozzell, David Kerslake and Illie Dumitrescu.  After a 0-3 reverse to Livingston  in the Scottish FA Cup in January, he resigns.  Keith Burkinshaw finally agrees to take charge of first team matters and he ends up winning the Scottish Premiership by 14 points.  William Hill go bust.

The much maligned Andy “not the Scottish bloke” Gray gets his UEFA coaching badge in September and instantly applies at White Hart Lane for a position on the coaching staff.  David Pleat can still be heard laughing in December.

The rest of the Premiership

Arsenal

Petit whinges some more about his 3 red cards by Christmas but pledges his future to Arsenal regardless.  Wenger thinks differently and sells him to Lazio for 250m pounds.  Wenger invests in a small movie theater in Soho and spends a lot of time on the phone to a video ‘dealer’ in Thailand.  Hmmm.

Aston Villa

Villa escape relegation on the last day – a big disappointment considering that they led the league until April.  John Gregory denies that he signs average or over-the-hill players for massive fees before capturing the signatures of Teddy Sheringham, Steve Corica and Neil Redfearn for £8m.

Bradford

Bradford consign themselves to relegation following the signing of Neil Redfearn before the start of the season.  It proves to be a prophetic signing as the Brave Bantams win just 2 games all season thanks to crucial mistakes in both games from Ian Walker.

Chelsea

The Italian national team sign for Chelsea but still they fail to take the title.  The little bit of glory they get is victory at Wembley in the Worthington Cup.  Goals from Paolo Rossi and Dino Zoff (pen) see them through against Rotherham.  The only black spot is the sending off of Mussolini for violent conduct.

Coventry

The fez’s are out in force to welcome Moroccan world cup star, Mustapha Hadji.  However, Hadji starts to feel ‘cold’ and returns home in December suffering from chillblains.  Coventry try to sign a new winger but Franz Carr rejects personal terms.

Derby

The most average team in the Premier League finish in an ‘average’ position thanks to their ‘average’ players.  They score ‘average’ goals and accumulate an ‘average’ number of bookings and sendings off.  When asked about his team’s chances next season, Jim Smith admits that they are ‘average’.  He’s sacked.

Everton

Everton go too far in the cost-cutting exercise and accidentally sell all their players.  They also sell their manager, stadium, fans and history. Weird.

Leeds

Dave O’Leary turns his nose up at Jimmy Floyd’s transfer requests and tells him he can play in the reserves.  The Dutchman bags 230 goals for the second string.  He eventually leaves for 1.5m to Spurs at the end of the season.  O’Leary’s dead body is found the next day.

Leicester

Rumours of a big-name signing are quashed by Martin O’Neill as he surprisingly plumps for some Nationwide journeymen.  The gamble pays off as Leicester finish 15th and reach the Worthington Cup final for the 7th season in a row.  Franz Carr is lined up as the big summer transfer but fails to agree personal terms.

Liverpool

Liverpool’s foreign legion are in great form guiding Liverpool into the top three at the turn of the year.  Comparisons are made with great sides of the past under managers like Shankley, Paisley, Fagan, Dalglish.  An injury to Michael Owen in January sees Liverpool slide to 10th by May.  Houillier plans a clear-out.

Manchester United

Another season, another title, another 3 new strips.  The new World Club Championship kit is a winner with fans with the unique mixture of nylon and coffee beans proving popular.  David May gets a game but it seems Jordi Cruyff may have to wait until 2000/1.

Middlesborough

Christian Ziege is interviewed by the official Middlesborough magazine where he proudly states that he didn’t realise the North East was such a ‘shithole’.  He is immediatly sold and Judd Nelson lookalike Vladimir Kinder is re-signed.  The Paul Ince-Paul Gascoigne-Andy Townsend OAP midfield doesn’t work and all are hospitalised.

Newcastle

A third FA Cup final defeat in a row is the icing on the proverbial cake for Ruud Gullit’s men.  It was also the last straw for annoyed TV execs who saw viewing figures for the FA Cup final drop 10million on the basis of the Geordies presence, and the evidence of their previous ‘performances’ on the big day.  It is thought they will be offered a spot in the World Club Championships next year.

Sheffield Wednesday

The Benito Carbone saga drags on as the brilliant Italian refuses to sign a new contract.  Sheffield Wednesday fans and management can’t understand why he doesn’t find playing for the club for the rest of his career an attractive proposition.  When it finally dawns on them that it is because they are a mediocre club who consistently struggle, it’s too late.  They finish 14th and he leaves for free.  Franz Carr is spotted at lunch with Danny Wilson but both deny the rumours of an imminent deal.

Southampton

The dubious summer headlines follow Southampton manager Dave Jones until November when he is sacked – his position deemed ‘untenable’.  Matt LeTissier becomes manager but often sleeps it out for games and picks his nose in public.  He makes his first league appearance of the season in the final game at home to Wimbledon where he scores a hat-trick and keeps Southampton up.  Phew.

Sunderland

Away fans flock to the Stadium of Light, looking forward to seeing the kind of excitement and talent that has long made the game of football popular. And as the teams make their way on to the pitch, many can be heard to shout ‘hey, that’s not f*cking Benfica!!’.

Watford

Watford bravely face the new season without spending any money.  ‘We won’t spend silly money on someone who does not love Watford FC,’ Graham Taylor states in determined fashion.  Watford are relegated by October 17th.

West Ham

Big ‘Arry spends the season with a moany look on his face as he searches in vain for some credit.  The Hammers made Europe through the back door and finished in the top half of the table again.  But no one cares and this forces Redknapp to rant and rave about the big clubs and how they get preferential treatment and how it makes his blood boil!!!!  Still no one cares.

Wimbledon

The Dons become Norway II as Egil Olsen brings in all his pals to help in the fight to stay in the Premiership.  Morten Harkett heads some crucial winners at Easter time and King Harald is in great form between the sticks. Disaster strikes come May as Wimbledon are disqualified from the Premiership for playing the blonde chick from Abba in midfield.  Franz Carr attains Norwegian nationality and signs for 2m pounds…

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