Category Archives: Humour

June 3, 2010

O’Neill ready to stand up to Liverpool again

By nearvana

Martin O’Neill has said he will not take a Liverpool bid for his services lying down.  The Irishman was named as 6/4 favourite for the manager’s role at Anfield after Rafa Benitez left by mutual consent on Thursday.

But after rebuffing repeated attempts by Liverpool to sign his captain Gareth Barry in 2008 and 2009, O’Neill said he is once again ready to stand firm.

“I’ve heard the rumours but as of yet there has been no bid – and none will be welcomed either,” he said.  ”I have a contract at this club and remain an important part of the management team.”

Barry eventually left for Manchester City in 2009 for a sum of £12m – £8m less than the £20m that Villa had held out for twelve months earlier.

“I haven’t spoken to myself about it yet as I’m currently on holidays.  But as soon as I manage to reach me I will be telling myself how much I am wanted at this club.”

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July 30, 2009

Suggestive headlines

By nearvana

Keane drills Ipswich squad

Well he has form.

Driller Killer

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January 22, 2009

Some transfer targets for ‘Arry

By nearvana

Hey ‘Arry, rather than chuck away £25m on Defoe and Palacios, why not bid for these guys?

Burnley FC First Team Squad

Burnley FC First Team Squad

Even this one would be an improvement.

Striiiiker!

Don’t worry if you can’t afford to buy the entire first team squad – we can always bargain with any old tat we have lying around.

Jumble sale - everything must go.

Jumble sale - everything must go.

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July 9, 2007

TevezTubby is a bit of a Dipsy

By nearvana

TEVEZTUBBY IS A BIT OF A DIPSY
No one likes footballers, that’s for sure.  Bling, roastings, tinted windows – the list of reasons to loathe our heroes goes on and on.  But Carlos TevezTubby has thrown this perception on its head.  The man, who has been linked away from West Ham since the day he signed for them, has made a promise…

“Through my backers, I have given my word to Mr Ferguson. They have told him I will be at Manchester United next season and once I make a promise I don’t go back on it,” he said, ignoring the fact that a contract is a form of promise.

Meanwhile West Ham fans might be forgiven for feeling somewhat puzzled that the player is not directing his undivided loyalty to the management, fans and club a who pay his wages.

Realising that perhaps tens of thousands of local ‘Ammers may not be too enamoured (en-’Ammered?) with his behaviour, he quickly rationalised how unreasonable such people would be: “I hope the fans understand. I had two very good offers from foreign clubs in January but I refused because I had unfinished business.  It would have been easy to move on, but I couldn’t leave the club and the fans in that predicament.”

Indeed Chubbs has shown an extreme level of loyalty when rumours of moves to Real Madrid (“I would like to play at Real Madrid”) and Inter (“There is a possibility that I will wear the Nerazzurri colours next season”) have surfaced.

“It will be an emotional and special day whenever I return to play them,” he said of West Ham while Paul Ince chuckled in the background.

BELLEND MAKES IT SEVEN-IN-SEVEN
Speaking of unlikeable footballers, Craig Bellamy and Nigel Reo-Coker have conned two mid-table sides in to shelling out for their high-on-ego, low-on-class talents.  Despite only nine goals in a disappointing season, Bellamy’s market value increased in the last twelve months while Reo-Coker sulked around the West Ham midfield with all the presence of a player who started to believe his own hype.

“I do believe I was made a scapegoat. If people are saying I’ve been obnoxious, arrogant, I do feel I’ve been hung out to dry,” he blubbed after his £7.5m move.  “I’m very focused in my ambitions. I know what I want to do,” he continued, unwittingly reminding us all of how he pouted last season after being denied a move to a top-four club.

Bellamy, who will play for his seventh club in seven years, has now accumulated transfer fees totalling £31m making John Hartson seem like a bargain.  However West Ham deny that the deal is finalised.

“The deal has been delayed due to a private contractual issue between Craig Bellamy and Liverpool,” a West Ham source said, indicating that Bellamy, already a multi-millionaire is looking for one of those loyalty bonuses for doing nothing other than packing a suitcase.  At least Reo-Coker had the decency to forego the half-mil he was due for the same task.

CARRA NO FAN OF DISNEYLAND

Jamie CarragherYou do have to feel somewhat sorry for Jamie “Carra” Carragher.  Carra – the Steve Bruce of Scouseland (i.e. he’s not really that good but somehow manages to play well all the time) – has struggled to get a game for England over the last decade due to an absence of Disney cartoon characters in the England squad.

“There are a number of reasons why I’ve been thinking about this,” he said to a local hack who had last nights kebab running down his shirt.  “Given my form for Liverpool, I genuinely thought [playing] was possible, but over the last 12 months players like Jonathan Woodgate and Ledley King have played there ahead of me. I can’t really argue with that because they’re top drawer players. It’s not as if they’re Mickey Mouse defenders.”

As Mickey Mouse stomped his feet indignantly, allowing Pluto and Donald Duck to play a neat one-two around him, Carra continued to bore with his rationale.  “It was particularly disappointing for me when Rio was out against Estonia and I wasn’t picked.  Like any player I thought I deserved to play, but not doing so made the situation crystal clear to me.”

Some players just aren’t England material and Carra – like Bruce before him – doesn’t have the athletic build that preferred international central defenders seem to.  Mind you with Richard Dunne and Paul McShane starring for Ireland, perhaps he should have done some research on his Irish roots a decade ago.  Begorrah!

+++ TIGHT SHORTS +++
To avoid the sack at Real Madrid, new coach Bernd Schuster will have to better the sacked Fabio Capello’s record of two league titles in two seasons.

Roy Keane must have grimaced particularly threatningly at George Burley as the Southampton manager has accepted his £3m offer for Chris Baird months after turning down Fulham’s “derisory” offer of £2.5m.

Nicolas Anekla claims he won’t be continuing his vagabond professional career by agreeing to stay at Bolton for another year.  Arsenal obviously weren’t interested then.

Chelsea might be signing up Florent Malouda but Arjen Robben still fancies the Spanishness of Real Madrid.

Steve McClaren will try to convince Jamie “Carra” Carragher that 3 minutes at left back away to Armenia is well worth the four hour flight.

+++ TWAT OF THE DAY +++
“There is no agreement with West Ham United for Carlos Tevez to leave the club and we expect him to return in time for next season’s preparations.  No decision on his future can be reached without the agreement of West Ham United.”  West Ham owner Eggert Magnusson still thinks that physically tearing up a contract is akin to mutually cancelling it.  Tevez’ “owner” Kia Joorabchain tends to disagree.  Head in the sand, Eggert?

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July 6, 2007

To Hull and Back

By nearvana

TO HULL AND BACK
As the flood waters rose and then disappeared down the drains again, they left behind a little surprise package in Hull – none other than former Middlesbrough legend, Juninho.

“Juninho was very impressed … and it’s obvious that Hull are gearing up to get into the Premier League,” bleated his agent Jonathan Hassall side-stepping any mention of “drains”, “Celtic” and “career” in the same sentence.

With the little Brazilian having played in the grimy north-east already, Hull chairman Paul Duffen didn’t believe he had to overwhelm him too much with spin. “Paul was saying that it’s the seventh biggest city in England,” the easily-impressed Hassall remarked while at the same time being wowed by a man’s ability to put on a hat.

Juninho – who signed three times for Middlesbrough – joined world class talents like Emerson and Fabrizio Ravanelli at the Riverside. This time he’ll be lining up with Bryan Hughes and Richard Garcia. But at least he’ll be doing it in the seventh biggest city in England.

BOREDOM REIGNS AT CHELZZZZZEA
Alex Ferguson’s transfer policy – which seemingly involves using the search filter on Football Manager to list any players whose transfer value is £20m and over – has dominated the summer back pages, leaving Jose Mourinho with little to do than play gin rummy with his free transfer signings Tal Ben Haim, Claudio Pizarro and Steve Sidwell and look forward to the arrival of (free transfer) Alex.

But now it looks like they will finally spend some money on Lyon winger Florent Malouda. About £14m of it on a player who is probably marginally better than Luis Boa Morte.

“We’ve been in dialogue with Lyon and it would be nice to conclude a deal before going to Los Angeles next week,” the likeable Peter Kenyon waffled, sounding almost as bored as Roman Abramovich clearly is.

Even Jose sounds bored. “Nobody from the board has said ‘Jose, you have to only bring in players on a Bosmans because we have no money to spend’,” he told reporters after a fitful snooze in front of a bank of microphones.

On Sidwell: “He is a player I like. He is a player with the mentality which is very welcome in our dressing room and our philosophy. He is an English player with English mentality completely adapted to the Prem…zzzzzzzzz”

MANCHESTER CITY RENOVATION PLAN
Sven Goran-My-Son Eriksson If you thought there was a lackadaisical air at Stamford Bridge then throw a duvet over Eastlands. Sven Goran-My-Son Eriksson took charge of his first Manchester City training session before he even got the managers job. Having seen what was on offer he subsequently asked potential new owner Thaksin Shinawatra to buy him a whole new team.

Having sent Nicky Weaver packing to the Championship and seen the Facetious Four of Corradi, Samaras, Vassell and Dickov in action, the excitable Eriksson must be wondering why he’s set himself up for another fall. It sounds like it’s going to be a disaster.

But fear not!

In a repeat of the classic Graham Taylor/Phil “Yes, boss” Neal partnership, Tord Grip is back! Expect classic quotes like “we’re working on Plan B now – but just how that plan looks, I don’t really know.”

Thank God.

+++ TIGHT SHORTS +++
Xavi Alonso’s brother Mikel is to have a trial with relegation candidates Bolton.

Chris Sutton has suspiciously announced his retirement after suffering blurred vision. It sounds a bit like a player who announces his international retirement five minutes after a manager has left him out of a squad.

Self-professed West Ham legend Nigel Reo-Coker is worth £8.5m to Aston Villa manager Martin O’Neill probably in the same way that Stilian Petrov was worth £6.5m.

Chris Coleman is the manager of Real Sociedad. We know it happened days ago but it still seems a bit mental.

Wigan Athletic Donkey Paddock is ready to take in two further mules in the form of West Ham’s Marlon Harewood and Fulham pacifist Michael Brown.

+++ TWAT OF THE DAY +++
“I’ve never played in Spain and never will. This is my last contract.” Self-important, sulking tosser Thierry Henry predicts the future with 0% accuracy last summer.

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June 12, 2007

Taking the first ‘E’ out of Aliadiere

By nearvana

TAKING THE FIRST “E” OUT OF ALIADIERE
There’s an air of desperation in the, um, air, as middling players leave one middling club for another, revealing a middling gap at the initial middling club. One such example is the Human Pie-shaped gap left by Mark Fooduka at Middlingbrough.

But Gareth Southgate is nothing if not an utterly ineffective manager. That’s why he’s bagged the best possible replacement for 19-goal Fooduka – Jermaine Aliadire! Yes, he of 1 league goal in 7 starts during 8 years at Arsenal.

“He fits perfectly with the sort of player we are trying to bring in,” said sheepish chief executive, Keith Lamb. “He has pace and energy and he is young with his best years in front of him,” he continued, totally ignoring the fact that he couldn’t hit a Lamb’s arse with a Fooduka-sized banjo.

Fooduka’s departure has disappointed Lamb. “The fans can be assured that everyone at the club did everything they could to persuade Mark to stay,” said Lamb as he shut down the new specially commissioned Riverside branch of Domino’s Pizza.

“Mark Viduka is part of our glorious past now, and it’s not about what has happened in the past. It’s about what we do in the future.” Glorious past? Would that be achievement of one top half finish in 9 seasons or the 0-4 outclassing by Seville in last seaon’s European Also Rans Cup Final?

MEDIOCRE MANAGEMENT 101 WITH GORDON STRACHAN
It surprised no one to hear Gordon Strachan say this weekend: “I’ve never had a plan in my whole career”. Those who recall him relegating Coventry, leading Southampton down a mid-table dead-end and bringing Adam Virgo, Kenny Miller and Paul Telfer to Celtic always assumed the hyperactive dynamo was living by the seat of his pants.

But he does have one plan – to escape Scottishness and play in a big European league with about 50 other clubs. “It will happen and the sponsors would flock to it. I really think it’s going to happen,” he insisted as European heavyweights like ADO Den Haag, FC Wacker Tirol and Longford Town eagerly filled in their UEFA paperwork.

Meanwhile former Celtic midfielder, crab-like Neil Lennon, turned down a move to fourth tier side Wycombe Wanderers last week while revealing that he had several other offers; including one from a “top” Premiership side. As Jose Mourinho quickly scanned the “L” entries in his rolodex, it has been revealed that he will in fact join “top” third tier side, Nottingham Forest.

BENTLEY DRIVES PEARCE MAD
Stuart Pearce is fooling nobody as he lobbies for a job where you do sod all most of the year to be turned in to a permanent position. The unemployed managerial failure has impressed Gabriel Agbonlahor and David Bentley so much that they’d rather lie on a beach for two weeks than represent his Under-21 team at the European Championships in Holland this summer.

“There is no doubt, in my eyes it’s definitely a full-time job,” said Pearce to a BBC reporter still chuckling at the Vassell, Samaras and Corradi forward line. “Part of the job spec would be getting to the clubs, meeting the managers and forging tighter links with the players and managers, so the situation which has occurred this time doesn’t reoccur.”

Bentley had predictably hit back. “It seems that I’m being punished for my honesty,” he moaned, looking sternly at the ice cream man who omitted the flake from his 99.

“It would be no good for me to go to the under-21s, come back exhausted seven days later for the Intertoto Cup, have an awful game and the club get knocked out in the first round with millions and European football at stake,” he continued, perhaps overstating his importance to the club but bringing up a good point all the same.

+++ TIGHT SHORTS +++
The Beckham bandwagon rolls on with Fleet Street ensuring he features in every printed story and is the answer to every clue in the cryptic crossword. The latest is that Real Madrid have tried to buy Beckham back from LA Galaxy but the Alexi Lalas has stroked his beard aggressive and said “no dice”.

The “So Hilarious I Hope It’s True” story of the day is that Diego Forlan is off to Anfield for £16m.

Flash in the pan David Nugent is so good that he’s told Everton he won’t wait all summer for them to buy him from Preston.

West Ham look set to become the new Leeds with £9m and £12m bids respectively for Premiership comme-ci comme-ca’s, Craig Bellamy and Jermaine Defoe.

The Mediocrity Express is chugging in to Wigan JJB Stadium Station with another band of Premiership nobodies of the Michael Brown, Mario Melchiot and Danny Murphy ilk aboard.

+++ TWAT OF THE DAY +++
Joey Barton“I have heard it said that footballers are all about flash cars and expensive watches, but for me, it is all about winning medals,” was the rallying cry from Joey Barton who obviously got over-excited at Newcastle’s Intertoto Cup triumph last season.

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June 7, 2007

The Bottle of Becks

By nearvana

THE BOTTLE OF BECKS
Comedian Rob Newman ridiculed former England manager Graham Taylor in the early ninties by assuming his comical accent and uttering “we mustn’t underestimate the Estonians”.  In response to his own character assassination the funnyman countered that we must underestimate the Estonians: send out slx players, not even wearing the proper kit and in flip flops.

Clearly no one told Steve McClaren – who built the Balkans up to be the second coming of Brazil ’70 – therefore allowing David Beckham’s two assists and Michael Owen’s goal to render them living legends.

“You can see it, you know it and I know it: he’s immense,” said McClaren of the former England captain, as the Estonian central defence directed traffic out of the stadium car park.

“David Beckham is a very, very good player and deserves to be in the team. He got a knock early on but didn’t want to come off because he realized that playing a team of lumberjacks and plumbers was a great chance for him to look better than he really is,” McClaren kind of said.

With underwhelming competition for the right-wing slot, including Subbuteo figure Aaron Lennon, Lord Becks reckons he can play until Brooklyn is old enough to substitute him in his final game.

“I believe I can play for many years to come,” he said, while banging Los Angeles in to the Google Maps search engine.  “I have already said [LA] Galaxy will do everything possible to help me play for my country.”

We’re giving it six months, tops.

RATIONING COMING TO NORTH-EAST
Newcastle fans rejoiced for a single paragraph today after reading* that charming Chairman Freddy Shepherd is flogging his stake in the club to Flash American Mike Ashley – before it was revealed that he will remain in the ample-sized chairman’s, uh, chair.

As if local restaurateurs weren’t under enough pressure feeding Freddy, news that banquet season-ticket holder Mark Viduka is to roll along the Northern line from Middlesbrough in a huge barrel, has sent them off to purchase the new Sub Zero Pro 48 fridge-freezer for storage purposes.

“I’m over the moon,” he said, trying to take a bite out of its cheesy surface as he passed over it.  “I want to win things and Newcastle United is a club that has all the ingredients to do that, especially with Sam coming in.   Mmmmm.  Ingredients.”

Oh God.  We’d forgotten about Big Sam.  This won’t be pretty.

* Obviously when we said “reading” we meant that their care workers read it to them.

PLEASE DON’T BID FOR MY STRIKER.  OH, GO ON THEN.
Thierry HenryAs clubs line up for Thierry Henry, you have to wonder how long Blind Arsene Wenger will keep up the pretence that the biggest ego in London (and it’s up against stiff competition when you consider the proximity to Ashley Cole) is not for sale.

As Barcelona, AC Milan and, um, Liverpool all wink seductively at the smooth va va voomer, Blind is doubtlessly having a good think about the unmotivated, shoulder shrugging, sulking antics of his star striker and thinking about how many non-league French teenagers he can buy with £22m.

And sure can’t he rely on Emmanuel Adebayor to put those easy chances away?  The Togolese striker thinks so.

“”I need to work on my finishing, but I’m not so shit in front of goal,” Manny sobbed to a giggling Four-Four-Two journalist.  “You can’t just watch Henry 100 times and copy it, you must communicate.  Thierry tells me where and when to run, how to score one-on-one. He says, ‘You have to put your foot here’.”

A career in coaching awaits the insightful Henry we reckon.

+++ TIGHT SHORTS +++
Lots happening in the world of football.  West Ham, who are aiming to sell mediocre self-professed legend Nigel Reo-Coker, have replaced him in advance with 26 year old former Charlton, Chelsea  and Newcastle journeyman, Scott Parker.

Replacing the journeyman at Newcastle will be Man City’s former Street Fighter character, Joey “M Bison” Barton.

Chelsea boil Peter Kenyon did a great impression of a pot denouncing a kettle as black when they said they’d report Real Madrid for illegally approaching Arjen Robben.

Nani today passed a medical at Manchester United.  Didn’t they sign him weeks ago?

Hibernian won the Scottish Women’s Premier League title in style with a 6-4 victory over female giants Glasgow City.  Seriously, they are giants.  Have you been to Glasgow recently?

+++ TWAT OF THE DAY +++
“The decision of the player is to go to Los Angeles, he has always been a great professional, but a player who has such an important contract with another club, we cannot count on him. He is not going to play any more.”  Yep, it’s an old quote but with David Beckham a driving force behind Real Madrid’s nine wins in ten games and England’s first convincing competitive performance under McClaren, Fabio Capello sounds like a bit of a twat five months on.

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May 27, 2007

New characters set for grimy, northern soap opera

By nearvana

NEW CHARACTERS SET FOR GRIMY, NORTHERN SOAP OPERA
Adam RickittThe long-running soap opera Newcastle United FC may have been ignored once again at the recent British Soap Awards but major storyline twists could see it finally in the shake-up next season.  Gruff northener Big Sam has taken on day-to-day management of the football club while flash American Mike Ashley has bought 41.6% of the club for £55m.

Former owner and life President Sir John Hall sounded the death knell for over-confident and unlikeable character Chairman Freddie Shepherd and his son, deputy Chairman Douglas Hall, when he admitted that the current stweardship had “probably run out of ideas”.

Viewing figures were up last week as Hall Snr praised Ashley for his determination.  “”He’s a very, very hard worker. He has built (his) businesses from a small room in his house when he was in his early twenties,” Hall Snr said as the camera cut to Shepherd and Hall Jnr binging on champagne and huge pyramids of Ferrero Rocher.

One new cast member at Newcastle United FC could be famous half-American actor David Beckham who is a target for producers when the current season of American drama LA Galaxy ends in January.  In that scenario a best actor gong would be a shoo-in for the half-American equivalent of Adam Rickett.

GIVING FOOTBALLERS THE BRUSH-OFF
It seems to be all about Liverpool these days given how they finished third in the Premiership and won no trophies.  Every hack is writing stories about the new American owners and the huge cheques they will be writing for Rafa Benitez, one of which will be the purchase of an industrial-sized brush from B&Q.

“We have a deal nearly completed for Gonzalez and I have told Bolo that he can talk to other clubs,” Rafa puffed as he nudged their heels with the Weiler 44590 Contractor Broom.

While Jermaine Pennant seems to have been granted a stay of execution after continually comparing himself favourably to Jimmy Carter, one arse batted through the door will be Welsh dragon, Craig Bellamy.  But with all Premiership managers having Sky subscriptions and fully aware of his inconspicuous form, Rafa will have to lower his £12m valuation

OH NO THEY BEAT KENNY!  AND DUNFERMLINE
As labouring, crab-like midfielder Neil Lennon trudged off after 66 minutes of a typically plodding and ineffective performance in the Scottish cup final against relegated Dunfermline Athletic, the Celtic fans booed their manager and chanted the name of their former captain.  But Gordon Strachan was proved right as central defender Gary Caldwell slotted in to midfield and did precisely very little to ensure Celtic won with a fortunate toe-poke five minutes from time from Jean-Joel Perrier Doumbe.

But, as he lined up desperate managers of Premiership also-rans to set his agent on, Lennon held no grudges.  “The manager just wanted some fresh legs on, I think,” he drawled as he edged sideways for no reason.

For Strachan it was another insipid performance that brings the number of consecutive insipid performances to 139.  “We’re a good side with a great squad of people,” Strachan insisted, possibly confusing the word “good” with the words “desperately inadequate and poorly managed”.

“I’m not a gambling man but I’d put money on Dunfermline coming straight back up next season,” he continued.  And to be quite honest with you the Celtic manager might find himself replaced by his Dunfermline counterpart Stephen Kenny in the next few seasons.  Kenny (35) only played four games in his League of Ireland career but has been managing for eight years bringing success to Longford Town, Bohemians and Derry City and was unlucky not to ressurect a dead-and-buried Dunfermline where he only took over in November.

Strachan is quite simply a dolt.

+++ TIGHT SHORTS +++
Some hack thinks that legendary Manchester United midfielder Ryan Giggs would consider sullying his legacy by nuzzling the hefty bosom of Martin Jol at Tottenham.

Rafa Benitez is chasing those top class players that he made such a fuss about by bidding £5m for Portsmouth ring-kisser, Matthew Taylor.  He kisses his wedding ring after scoring, you see.  And by scoring we mean on the football pitch.  And we mean scoring a goal.

Mediocre Aston Villa want to spend £8m on mediocre Nigel Reo-Coker.  West Ham will be delighted.

You’d think Tottenham would have learnt their lesson after the Mido and Ghaly debacles yet now they want Egyptian striker Mohamed Zidan.

Like when Julia Roberts replaced Kiefer Sutherland with Lyle Lovett, Sammy Lee wants to replace Kevin Nolan with Michael Brown.

+++ TWAT OF THE DAY +++
“The pistol was knocked out of his mouth just as he drew it.  Something like that anyway.”  It’s not so much that Sky Sports Rob Palmer used an unncessary analogy to describe a tackle on Mahamadou Diarra that prevented him firing a shot at goal, it’s just that it makes no sense and is in desperately bad taste.

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May 25, 2007

Tedious long ball manager quits French club

By nearvana

TEDIOUS LONG BALL MANAGER QUITS FRENCH CLUB
Gerard HoullierAs a manager who has won three French titles, three French Super Cups, two English League Cups, the English FA Cup, the Charity Shield, the UEFA Cup, the European Super Cup, the Subbuteo Challenge (Merseyside regional finals) and A Hastily Arranged Five-a-Side In The Local Park Of Which The Opponents Were Partly Made Up Of A Slightly Lame Horse and Salif Diao Trophy, the news of Gérard Houllier’s resignation from Lyon today might be a bit of a surprise.

But let’s be honest, the big-eyed Frenchman was utterly rubbish.  Lyon wanted success in Europe and Houllier failed.  Winning anything in France is about as difficult as blinking and despite winning some tin-pot trophies in England, he’ll never be forgiven for the conveyor belt of disastrous signings that soiled the Anfield red for years.

Lyon Chairman Jean-Michel Aulas was a smart cookie though, giving Houllier very little control over the club transfer policy.  The one time Aulas did allow Houllier the benefit of the doubt, he signed perennial under-achiever Milan Baros.  Milan has surprised absolutely no one by going on to under-achieve.

With that in mind, rumours are that a triple swoop Carl Medjani, Bernard Diomede and Igor Biscan may have sealed Houllier’s fate.

TEDIOUS LONG BALL MANAGER WANTS MORE MONEY
While enjoying the fantastic Dave Matthews Band concert in Dublin last Wednesday night, the performance was occasionally disturbed by the sound of (beaten Champions League finalists) Liverpool long balls landing on the roof of the arena.  Truth is, even if we didn’t have tickets for DMB they’d still have preferred to lie naked in the garden eating a slug sandwich than watch ninety minutes of Rafa Benitez’s tactical mastery involving circus sideshow Peter “On Buses He Always Needs to” Crouch giving away free kicks and Stevie G bailing them out with seconds to go.

Mysteriously not dwelling on his decision to play 90 minutes with a combination of Bolo Zenden and Harry Kewell rather than a small child with asthma, Benitez roared that he wanted lots of money to spend next season.

“If we don’t change things right now and understand how crucial this moment is, we will waste another one or two months on two or three targets and we’ll start having to sign third-choice players,” he said patently thinking about Craig Bellamy and Jermaine Pennant.

“After three years working really hard, we’ve not progressed enough,” he continued as Dirk Kuyt sliced a close-range drive towards the corner-flag.  “I want to see things happening right now. I’m tired of talking, talking. We talk and talk but we never finish.”

You do finish Rafa.  Third or fourth, usually.

TEDIOUS LONG BALL MANAGER ABOUT TO LOSE FACE
Steve McClarenIf you wondered what that smell is you can quickly discount your disheveled slippers in the corner of the room – it’s just the stench of Steve McClaren’s desperation in the air.  After Croatia, Israel, Macedonia and even might Andorra made his team of multi-millionaries look no better than The Mighty Ducks (before Emilio Estevez’s intervention), McClaren could now be ready to recall half-American veteran midfielder David Beckham.

“Experience is going to be key,” said McClaren vaguely while a couple of dolly birds flossed his pearly whites.

When asked if Beckham was on his mind he danced around the issue with all the aplomb of Wayne Sleep and Paula Abdul combined as one, if you can imagine such a thing.  “We will see on Saturday morning. There has been a lot of speculation. I am naming the squad on Saturday and everyone will find out then.”

Meanwhile sub-editors around the country began to dream up headlines that would underline just how embarrassing this climbdown will be for the man who last summer said “I told David I was looking to change things, looking to go in a different direction, and he wasn’t included within that.”  That different direction turned out to be a string of dismal performances.  Well done, Steve.

+++ TIGHT SHORTS +++
Tottenham have spent £10m on a Welsh player.  However he is rather good 17 year old left-back Gareth Bale.  We’re predicting an £18m move to Old Trafford next summer.

Yossi Benauoun is obviously confident Carlos Tevez will be moving on as he’s signed a new 5 year deal with West Ham.

Manchester United have offered £27.5m plus £11m-rated Louis Saha to Tottenham in exchange for Andy Garcia-lookalike, Dimitar Berbatov.  The funniest part of this story is of course that a journalist accidentally left the decimal point out of the Louis Saha valuation.

Gordon Strachan is the latest name linked to the Manchester City vacancy despite rivalling Gérard Houllier in terms of incompetence.

+++ TWAT OF THE DAY +++
“It is very easy to say it is not a suitable stadium, coming from the man that invented the poll tax.”  UEFA spokemsan William Gaillard responds to Michael Howard’s suggestion that the Champions League final should not have been held at the Olympic Stadium in Athens.  How funny is it that French man Gaillard made a reference to 1980s British politics and that he tenuously chose poll tax as the stick to beat Howard with?

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May 22, 2007

Can you eat three? Or was that Shredded Wheat?

By nearvana

CAN YOU EAT THREE?  OR WAS THAT SHREDDED WHEAT?
When Steven Gerrard sits down for breakfast in the Liverpool canteen next season and finds three Weetabix there rather than a pop tart, he can look no further than new owner, Tom Hicks.

Defending the manner in which he funded his purchase of the club by borrowing £178m from Bank of Scotland, he compared it to his purchse of the breakfast cereal company: “We bought Weetabix and we leveraged it up to make our return. You could say that anyone who was eating Weetabix was paying for our purchase.”

Hicks, with co-owner George Gillett, will pay the annual £21m interest charges out of his own pocket if there are not enough dividends paid to them to cover it.  Sounds a bit dodgy to us.  Expect free transfer moves for Dean Windass and Andy Goram this summer.

SYLVAINIAN FAMILY MOVES HOMES
Showing the kind of lucidness that he rarely showed in his distracted performances this season, Sylvain Distin walked out on Manchester City today straight in to a reported £40,000 a week deal with Portsmouth.

“It has been an incredibly tough decision but, in the end, I just feel I want a fresh challenge,” he told national hacks as he dragged a huge sack of money marked “signing on fee” behind him.

“I had five very enjoyable years at City and I wish them all the best but, seriously, how bad were Vassell, Corradi and Samaras?” he mostly said.

Meanwhile Ghana and Udinese midfielder Sulley Muntari sounds a little bit too keen to play at ramshackle Fratton Park.

“I’m just waiting for the day to join Portsmouth. I want to play here,” he said through an interpreter who was decked out in a Portsmouth 1950s retro shirt.  “The club also have a great manager in Harry Redknapp, who has been following me since last year,” he continued, giving the eerie vision of an east-end spiv sat in a Ford Cortina in a Udine side street.

Continuing his job application he reeled off “class” players like “Pedro Mendes, Sol Campbell, David James and Kanu” as reasons why he wants to move to the south coast just before his interpreter introduced a Powerpoint tribute to Alan Ball.

‘ELLO TOSH
It’s not often we’d pay any heed to John Toshack who, for those who have forgotten, is the manager of Wales.  But for a change he’s said something a bit clever.

“There are Premiership players and there are players who play in the Premiership, and it’s not the same thing,” he said in response to Wigan forward David Cotterill’s (one league goal last season) complaints about not being included in the squad.

Toshack has boosted his squad options with call-ups for Oldham’s Neal Eardley, Cardiff’s Chris Gunter, Wolves Wayne Hennessey, the bass player from the Lostprophets and some sheep.  There is still no room for John Hartson.  Literally.  He just won’t fit on the bus.

+++ TIGHT SHORTS +++
Stuart McCall has been installed as manager of fourth tier side Bradford just six seasons after he competed in the Premiership with them.

Atoine Sibierski, ridiculed by Newcastle fans prior to being one of their best players last season, has stuck two fingers up at the doubters and rejected a new deal at St James’ Park.

With the doors recently widened at Anfield it looks like Rafa Benitez will finally squeeze Harry Kewell out through them.

New Sheffield United anchor Bryan Robson will need to be more convincing than he was in his Jossy’s Giants cameo if he is to persuade Phil Jagielka, Paddy Kenny and Michael Tonge to stay at the club – although the rumoured new Dunkin’ Donuts branch in Sheffield could be the clincher for Kenny.

Steve Sidwell is all set to become the new Scott Parker – he’s joined Chelsea on a free transfer prior to a 2008 transfer to a Premiership also-ran.

+++ TWAT OF THE DAY +++
“”I am worried about AC Milan generally and I am worried about myself.  My main focus is to get myself right.  But if I can do that, we will see if Gattuso can stop me.”  Steven Gerrard wheels out the usual footballing cliché until he once again couldn’t finish an interview without mentioning Gennaro Gattuso.  Reminds me of that childhood psychosis where you slag off the girl you fancy just so no one will suspect.

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